Last night I had a horrible dream! I had a dream that Jonathan left me and wanted a divorce. In the dream he had found a better women and someone just simply better at everything else than me. I was beyond devastated. And in the dream there was a couple of times where I'd wake up (still being in a dream) thinking that I was just dreaming but then realize it was real. So when I finally did wake up in the middle of the night I wasn't sure what was real or fake. I had to feel around the bed till I felt Jonathan, probably ended up kicking him or poking him in the eye or something but in the end he was still here. Regardless the mood of that dream still hung over me for a while till I fell back asleep.
We are month nine of our marriage and this is my first dream ever like this. I usually can understand where my dreams steam from and they help me realize what feelings are most strong or even hidden things I need to deal with. This dream is no exception as lately I've been feeling like a crappy wife.
Never have I notice my emotions/hormones being so off whack as when I got married. WHOA, now before people start thinking something totally wrong (I'm not pregnant) let me explain what I mean.
Before being married things really didn't bother me too much. If I was upset about something I could walk it off and within 10 to 20 minutes I'd be fine. I didn't have much to stress out about. But since being married all of a sudden I'm starting to notice this strange ability of mine to hone in on something that's probably completely insignificant but becomes a HUGE issue for me. And I'm sad to say, poor Jonathan ultimately becomes the target of my illogical, emotional sudden turn around.
This things seem to happen at the weirdest times. For instant I noticed a pattern that almost every Sunday morning for a few months straight I'd become rather upset with Jonathan, for no real reason. Resulting in going to church being a rather painful experience as I simply wouldn't talk to him. It made for a very awkward time. But after church, usually during the sermon I'd come back to my senses and go back to normal life. I did talk to Jonathan about this early this year and he was noticing this pattern as well. So I apologized and I've made it a mission to turn Sunday mornings into more pleasant times. It's been a success so far.
Another thing I've noticed is my ability to become very honed in on cleaning and as a result become upset with Jonathan who isn't helping me right at that very moment. Which is totally ridiculous because seriously he's AMAZING with helping around the house. Other women would be jealous that I got such a good guy who will help with dishes, laundry, washing floors etc. The people in our fourplex just love Jonathan because he's always shoveling the snow off in the parking lots, side walks etc. Like I said, amazing guy. But for some reason I get caught up in this emotion of, "He doesn't really care about me. If he cared for me he's help me clean up the kitchen. If he loved me he's wouldn't leave a mess around the house." This often results in me once again not talking to Jonathan, avoiding being in the same room as him and almost ready to burst into tears.
I'm starting to realize though this strange impacted of Love Languages in our relationship. I've know about this concept for quiet some time now. But I simply associated this idea with how I could best please Jonathan. Not how I can take it personal.
Two of my stronger love languages are Acts of Service and Quality Time. I'm realizing that I can take it incredibly personal if I feel Jonathan isn't helping me when I wish he would. I begin to feel like he doesn't appreciate me, sees the work I'm doing or really love me. And this easily goes alone with Quality Time. I love talking and most times I just want to sit and talk with him, talking a walk, going out, just spending time together and opening up, even play N64 will fill that need sometimes. As long as we're doing something together and talking going on. But this isn't always good as I can put my expectation of a "Girl friend" type relationship on him and expect him to be able to talk for HOURS on ends and have tones of topics to go through. I get emotionally upset if all he wants to do is sit in front of the TV and once again it turns personal. Yet now I'm beginning to realize that my expectations are totally not right.
I remember reading somewhere that when you get married you need to have low expectation for your spouse and high expectation for yourself. Basically don't demand something higher for your spouse than you would for yourself. Which I easily do the compete opposite.
Anyways, wow what a long blog. What I mean to say and to tie this all up with my dream I started off with is, marriage is fricken hard sometimes. Mostly because I'm starting to realize all these flaws I have and how horrible I can treat Jonathan. In the back of my head, when I'm on these emotional weird out moments I know that I'm acting way out of proportion and I need to take a walk, pray and clam down. I wish I knew how to be more encouraging, understand him more, be a better friend and just a better wife. I hear stories of men who adore their inspiring wives, those types are wives that follow that quote "Behind every great leader is a women". But I know I'm far from that. And that scares me.
Right now I'm realizing marriage is hard because when you're with the man you love he begins to see you're not so lovely, whacked out emotional side (stuff maybe you didn't even realize you had inside you) and you wonder how in love is he with you now.
This brings unconditional love to a whole new level.