Tuesday, September 22, 2009

identiy-oholic

I am in school.

Something I rather swore I’d never put myself through after graduating high school, 4 years ago.

But here I find myself iin 2 years of college for Fashion Design and Marketing. Easy stuff compared to my sisters 4 year goal towards social working and other friends who seem to be pursuing more ambitious and noble careers (aka nursing, carpentry, teachers etc.)

To be honest it’s been quite the struggle to admit how happy I actually am to be in this program. Only a little over a month ago I was working as a segment producer in a national Christian television station, where my segments were being watched by Canadian and American viewers and that defiantly gave me something to attach my identity too. I liked my identity, the person I could introduce myself as and be known as. Secretly I felt my family could be a bit more proud of me because I was working in a ministry that bigger than myself. I liked doing something different. Not something better but different and I took great pride in that. So, I must admit it’s hard not to feel like this new change in life is a step down from what I use to “be.”

I look at where I am now and I’m not sure if I’m disappointed, angry or humbled because where ever I once was is not where I want to be ever again but honestly it’s also the only place of reference I have for where I can go with God. It was in that time of my life I felt I had the world in my hands and had Christianity all figured out. I had been there, done that, heard that preaching, seen that miracle, “experienced” that, worshiped like that, spoke that word, prayed like that, ect…. I was a "know it all" for what an “on fire” Christian should be like. I placed my identity in being a Christian among Christians….not my identity in God.

Like I said I’m not sure if I’m disappointed, angry or humbled when I look at where I am now. Over the past three years time and time again I lost trust in many people and lost trust and appreciation for many ministries. Those who I once held in high esteem I became cynical and doubting towards. To this day I have a hard time trusting Christian leadership and ministries.

This world that I had placed my identity in was the very thing that crumbled and has caused me to get to this utter lowness in my relationship with God. I’m weak, torn apart and honestly not ready to fully believe what is being preached from the pulpit yet. When I worship it takes everything in me to drown out the people around me and just worship but I don’t feel anything. When I read the word it feels dead to my spirit. It’s been like that for almost 2 years now.

Finally this summer while at church in Swift Current it hit me how unresponsive I’ve become towards God’s love for me. I’ve never been this week before.

Lately I’ve been feeling like God has just picked up my limp body and taken me away from it all, away from my constant fighting and criticism. Like He’s said that’s enough and just pulled me to this place where I’m not surrounded by things that I build my identiy on and that cause me to question my walk.
I’m back in school, away from the world of where I placed my identity and the things that caused me to distrust ministries and God himself.

I don’t feel any different.
I don’t feel this wave of excitement to rebuild my relationship with God. But oddly, and I can’t really explain why, but I feel safe again. I’m feeling like perhaps there is hope that I’m in place where I won’t feel exposed to elements of dare I say, Christians fighting Christianity.

Yesterday I was proudly able to tell someone I was in school for fashion design and marketing. The first time I’ve ever not felt my identity was in my schooling, my career or my church. The first time I was just Teaka. The person God loves regardless of what massive ministry she’s a part of, what she’s done or who she’ll be. I’m just Teaka right now.

Hi my names Teaka
And I’m an identiy-oholic

2 comments:

Amanda Van Hierden said...

Teaka, I love you for you, regardless of what you do or where you work. You are a precious woman of God who is in the process of being transformed into his image! =) I LOVE YOU

Tommi said...

im blogging again!