Wednesday, May 20, 2009

The Weird Thing is....my mind doesn't shut off....

I wish I had more things figured out instead of feeling a push to have a life plan by a certain date!

Oh shoot I don't know if I'm making a mistake or WHAT I'm doing.

What once gave me peace is now piling up and causing my mind to constantly be pondering over possible choices which result in me questioning my big change.

It's easy to day dream about what I could do or would like to do when I caught up in another job and that usually causes me to slightly feel resentful because I think I may never get to do those little dreams. But when the time actually comes and I actually have the opportunity I'm discovering more and more how complicated figuring out what it is that I actually really want.

It's truly like one of those situations where you want the things you can't have but when you could have them they don't seem so suiting for your life at the moment as you once thought they would be.

Oh goodness.....

I know one thing for certain and that is I want to marry Jonathan! I have no doubt about it. But perhaps that's why I'm becoming more frustrated with myself than ever before because I don't feel confident in anything else that I desire within my own life.

I mean if you were to ask me all the things I'd want to do I could list off a hundred crazy and wonderful adventures I'd like to pursue....but now I'm realizing that what I thought I once desired may not actually be what I should be doing rather something I covet because I thought I'd never get the chance.

Yes I want to attend a fashion merchandising and marketing program but I don't want that lifestyle. I just wish I could learn to sew.

Yes I want to open up a boutique of my own but I don't want to do that unless I could be 100% committed and I know that at this stage I truly just want to support Jonathan with his endeavors more than anything. I don't want to push aside my dreams but I know that a boutique is something I could do later in life when we have a city we feel confident we could settle in and when I'm more organized in my life. Yet I feel like i have no experience in business and only the basics in retail so I want to go to school. Thus I feel like I should take business school but since I don't know what my future is going to look like I'm scared I won't have this opportunity ever again.

How do I know what to wait on or what to pursue right away?

All I know is that the only things I have real work experience in right now is in segment producing and this is a job I could not take to very many cities so I really want to add more to my experience with a job that I could find more work with. But at the same time as much as I'm trying to push myself to pick a new area of studying I'm only becoming more and more frustrated with my lack of indecisiveness because I don't actually know what I want.

The weird thing is now I'm talking to people who are well into their 30's even 40's and they too don't actually know what they want....but they are enjoying life. What is it about me that insist that I won't be happy until I do exactly what I dream.
Who is telling us that we have to first fulfill our desires because as soon as you get married you'll never have that change again....where am I getting this BULL from?!
I understand that it's key to have established a life for oneself before marriage...but that's not the dictator of my happiness. If I can't do what I want to do now that doesn't mean I can't pursue them 2 years down the road even if Jonathan has is own studio. What's to stop me?! What is making me feel like I have to figure out my life RIGHT NOW?!!! If anything this push is causing me to make even more unthought out decisions and jumping onto sudden opportunities without really praying about them.

Regardless I have another year to get things hopefully figured out....oh Lord I hope this isn't a waist of time!

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