Tuesday, January 29, 2008

The Day I Broke

I was reading some of my old blogs one Nov 17,2006 " Humble Isn't Always Good....." and it brought back my forgotten memories of what I was feeling while a student at the Miracle Channel. Wow a lot has changed.
At that time I put on myself insane amount of pressure to impress people. This constant nagging was on my shoulders to need peoples attention and adoration. I wasn't very outgoing and I didn't do extreme exploits but I worked hard and prayed for some form of acknowledgment that I was doing things right. However when I finally found out I had impressed them I escaped back to my house with uncontrollable weeping. Two months fallowed by a life time of trying to be set apart and noticed had come to this one day where a few different people at different times finally pulled me aside for some form of appraisal and I didn't know how to take it. I didn't think I deserved it, I felt I was taking something from the other students and I did not want to know what I had been doing right because then I'd know what I wasn't doing right either.
I remember calling up my Dad and Mom and all I could do over the phone was just cried it was so deep I couldn't even utter words. They allowed me to cry. I'm not quite sure what parents are suppose to do in a situation like that, when one of their daughters in uncontrollable tears because she apparently was complemented but they just let me cry and I think thats all I needed them to hear.
One year and two months later I look back and am quite amazed with who I once was and who I am today. I thank God that He put me in a spot where I'd finally break and though I'm not sure why I was so afraid of the very thing I desired most I'm just in sort of awe at how God can change peoples image of themselves.

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