Suffices to say time is up. In approximately a week from now I’ll be packing my bags to go spend a solid week and a few days at home. Exactly what I’ll do is questionable as my motives to obtain a job during this Christmas break has more or less disappeared and an apathetic mind set seems to be taking over. Oh but how good it will feel to be back on my farm. Mind you it’s much too easy to get carried away with elaborating your week’s activities into festive, holiday card settings that are no doubt overly perfect but delightful enjoyable to think about. Much less you’d need that perfect “someone” that could melt those dreamy winter wonderland adventures into something that goes beyond a wonderful time into a day of pure bliss. Sigh….but I suppose that’s not on my agenda quite yet. Right now my mind is fixed upon completing on rundown for my final project. Can you believe it….final; last, concluding, ending, finishing, closing…whatever the right word may be the very idea of having this stage in my life almost complete is rather odd. I can’t say its fighting or exciting just odd. Odd because I remember this time last year, with my goal to step outside of my comfort zone in almost every area in my life. Yet I also felt terrified in basically every area of my life. Looking back at last year through my good old journals, I discovered that almost every journal entry talked about something I felt was so major in my life….but of course as time progress I can see how the big things were really rather minor and all along God had is arm around guiding me.
“I hate this!!! I could say that life is hard but truthfully I wouldn’t know because right now I’m ignoring the decisions I have to make and basically pretending I have my life figured out. I’m not even going to explain what I’m talking about because until I am able to actually quite myself, pray and seek God about what I should do right now in my life…well I’ll just not be able to completely tell the truth, even in my journal because I don’t know how to describe my thoughts.” Dec 5/2005
“I’ve been completely lacking in will power to finish these last few pages of this journal. Yet, for many reasons which lead to having so much to write about and piles to say and so little time. I don’t even know where to start! See since last Wednesday, Dec 7 I’ve just been bombarded with all these things to think about, big choices to make which lead to getting my hopes up but getting them completely smashed, having to cope with internal arguments, my self confidence and just, wow, a lot of things. Definatly my life has not been dull in the last couple days.” Dec 12/ 2005
“The printed out Miracle Channel TV Program sheets are still not filled out and are just sitting on my cupboard…I’m afraid to set pen’s ink to them.” Dec 16/2005
In any case I’m just trying to detour myself from my rundown in which I really should get done or started or something, I hate having any bit of work or rather homework laying around especially if I don’t have all the right facts to complete it…so I want to finish this rundown but I’m missing a few time length things. Awh well...its' almost Christmas...my mind has a little more freedom to wander.