Monday, August 21, 2006

To Scared to Think

What is this lie that keeps inside of me? It nags and twist what my calling desires produce and turns what is good into fear and distrust. Feeling set and relife is one things but having to always look for human approval for my own calling is quite another. On one side I know that, yes, this is for me, this is me, this is what I want more than feeling loved or having the addorations of others. Yet the other side says, that I only want it for the love and praise that has seemed to be the only thriving emotion I've ever strived to get, to see the physical and tangible proof. When I leave, everything will be better...right? Yet it can't stop me from being scarred. I'm ready for my step coming of age... this is my time to be fully engulfed by my calling and people who are already involved in it but I'm not ready for the rejection. Three students are easy enought to know but I'm afriad that the rejection I'll face is more towards my desire and passion for what I don't even understand yet. Not everything is going to fall perfectly into place, not even Jesus had an easy go at life, and I'm fully aware it. But afraid for of not going full term and having to leave early is rejection to me. I don't know what to expect so I expect the worst. God!!!!! Why do I do this to myself, beating my heart as if to say nothing will ever make sense to me so why even bother. My desires are from God but you'r not ready right now, or ever, you must be clean and pure to have God's attention.

............................Sigh I'm afraid that God will reject me now because I think that I've driven away from Him and I'm afraid that I could have done this on purpose. I know He never rejects His children but having people I look up to reject my passion I'm afraid would feel like God is only putting His thumb down on my calling. My pattern of positive thought leans more towards what others think rather then taking time to really here out God. My Flesh and Spirit are in a constent battle.
It's all about my X. God or my calling, calling or my God...which one do you love the most Teaka?

It's here that I'm too afraid to think.


Elizabeth said...

I totally disagree with "you must be clean and pure to have God's attention." Teaka you think way too much!!! Your freaking out because you think next year will determine the rest of you life. And though it will have an effect, your time in Lethbridge will not make or break you! You can't go in thinking that your "destiny" only begin once you start your "education"; today is just as important and pivotal as tomorrow. It's not good to say that you will be more desired or loved in the future. If you don't let yourself walk in what God has planed for you even for these last few weeks you will miss out on something God has planed just for you.
God didn't just give you your passion to do nothing with, stop analyzing everything more than you should!
Ps 131
"My heart is not proud, O LORD,
my eyes are not haughty; I do not concern myself with great matters
or things too wonderful for me. But I have stilled and quieted my soul; like a weaned child with its mother, like a weaned child is my soul within me. O Israel (Teaka) put your hope in the LORD both now and forevermore.

This girl... said... emotions easily get the best of me and for some reason I felt in nessary to pronounce them to the whole wide world.
My desires are real but sometimes I feel my head is in a completly difrent world.